| Yesterday I had the pleasure of speaking at | | | | would look it up on Google. While I am glad |
| Rutgers University in front of around 150 | | | | she will finally get her answer as to the |
| high school students, which was a lot better | | | | definition of a walrus, and will hopefully |
| than speaking behind them. The subject was | | | | even get to see a walrus wearing a dress, it |
| humor columns, so it goes without saying that | | | | makes me think that none of us -- and I do |
| walruses came up multiple times. I mean, so | | | | mean none of us -- have done our job of |
| many times that I completely lost track. | | | | correctly promoting walruses...So with that, |
| Like, at least seven times. As is evident | | | | I plan to change everything. And I don't |
| from my enthusiasm, I felt proud to include | | | | mean that I will convert all of my dollars |
| walruses because they are left out of so many | | | | into quarters; I mean that I will do whatever |
| aspects of society: sleep-overs, camping | | | | I can to inform people of the past, present |
| trips, and even games of Monopoly, which is a | | | | and future of walruses. I will tell them of |
| shame because I think they'd be pretty good | | | | their many purposes: opening cans, playing |
| at it...But then it happened. When the | | | | whisker violins and even serving as very |
| speech ended, I was approached by a girl who | | | | large paper weights for when a rock simply |
| told me that her friend did not know what a | | | | won't cut it. A year from now, or maybe even |
| walrus was. My immediate thought was that | | | | tomorrow, I want to be able to stand at a |
| maybe she was kidding. She had to be, right? | | | | random street corner -- preferably one where |
| I mean, these are walruses we're talking | | | | there is no crime taking place -- and yell |
| about here, not some unpopular animal like a | | | | out "walrus!" and someone will yell back to |
| dog or a cat. But she was not kidding at | | | | me that a walrus would be a great letter |
| all, so I needed to resort to explaining | | | | opener or that a walrus could be a state |
| characteristics of a walrus:They're like | | | | senator if not for its inability to speak, or |
| seals but with fangs, I first told her.And | | | | sign documents, or use ATM machines, among |
| they have whiskers, I added, and they are | | | | other minor technicalities...And when all is |
| really heavy and live in the water.But she | | | | said and done, if one walrus comes up to me |
| still was not familiar with it, despite my | | | | to shake my hand and thank me, then I will |
| very vivid details. In retrospect, maybe I | | | | know my time has been well spent...But I |
| should have mentioned that a walrus is a lot | | | | digress.Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and |
| like Toys 'R Us but with an incorrectly | | | | writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly |
| spelled wall replacing the toys. However, I | | | | humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has |
| don't know if that would have worked either. | | | | been ongoing since 1998. |
| Alas, she walked away telling me that she | | | | |