| Yesterday I had the pleasure of speaking at Rutgers | | | | am glad she will finally get her answer as to the |
| University in front of around 150 high school students, | | | | definition of a walrus, and will hopefully even get to |
| which was a lot better than speaking behind them. | | | | see a walrus wearing a dress, it makes me think that |
| The subject was humor columns, so it goes without | | | | none of us -- and I do mean none of us -- have |
| saying that walruses came up multiple times. I mean, | | | | done our job of correctly promoting walruses...So |
| so many times that I completely lost track. Like, at | | | | with that, I plan to change everything. And I don't |
| least seven times. As is evident from my enthusiasm, | | | | mean that I will convert all of my dollars into |
| I felt proud to include walruses because they are left | | | | quarters; I mean that I will do whatever I can to |
| out of so many aspects of society: sleep-overs, | | | | inform people of the past, present and future of |
| camping trips, and even games of Monopoly, which is | | | | walruses. I will tell them of their many purposes: |
| a shame because I think they'd be pretty good at | | | | opening cans, playing whisker violins and even serving |
| it...But then it happened. When the speech ended, I | | | | as very large paper weights for when a rock simply |
| was approached by a girl who told me that her friend | | | | won't cut it. A year from now, or maybe even |
| did not know what a walrus was. My immediate | | | | tomorrow, I want to be able to stand at a random |
| thought was that maybe she was kidding. She had to | | | | street corner -- preferably one where there is no |
| be, right? I mean, these are walruses we're talking | | | | crime taking place -- and yell out "walrus!" and |
| about here, not some unpopular animal like a dog or a | | | | someone will yell back to me that a walrus would be |
| cat. But she was not kidding at all, so I needed to | | | | a great letter opener or that a walrus could be a |
| resort to explaining characteristics of a walrus:They're | | | | state senator if not for its inability to speak, or sign |
| like seals but with fangs, I first told her.And they | | | | documents, or use ATM machines, among other |
| have whiskers, I added, and they are really heavy | | | | minor technicalities...And when all is said and done, if |
| and live in the water.But she still was not familiar with | | | | one walrus comes up to me to shake my hand and |
| it, despite my very vivid details. In retrospect, maybe | | | | thank me, then I will know my time has been well |
| I should have mentioned that a walrus is a lot like | | | | spent...But I digress.Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and |
| Toys 'R Us but with an incorrectly spelled wall | | | | writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor |
| replacing the toys. However, I don't know if that | | | | column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing |
| would have worked either. Alas, she walked away | | | | since 1998. |
| telling me that she would look it up on Google. While I | | | | |