| It wasn't that Cousin Charley was mean, or even | | | | some stiff nudging in the ribs from Aunt Minnie. He |
| irreligious. He just had a hard time figuring out where | | | | had taken the trip to the front row on several other |
| fun left off and devilment started. | | | | occasions, but Aunt Minnie was never sure the |
| Charley was a natural-born hell raiser in a time and | | | | conversions had taken firm root. She saw to it that |
| part of the country where dissent was tolerated -- if | | | | salvation was administered at every opportunity as a |
| not admired -- if it was imaginative and daring. My | | | | sort of heavenly insurance., |
| cousin filled the bill admirably. | | | | Charley calculated his turn was coming up either |
| I wasn't allowed to associate too freely with him | | | | Sunday afternoon or evening. The prospect was too |
| because I was six years old and gullible -- while | | | | unnerving. |
| Charley was 15 and "full of the old Nick." He once | | | | Shortly after mid-day dinner, he stuffed some cold |
| convinced me that "only soft wood will burn, but hard | | | | biscuits in his pocket, eased his single-shot 22 rifle off |
| wood, like this here by the back door, will only scorch | | | | the top of the kitchen cupboard and quietly slipped |
| if ya put a fire to it. | | | | away for a bit of hunting. It was certain that his |
| "If'in ya don't believe it, just try it. Here's a match." | | | | outing would extend past the revival's last "hallelujah." |
| Eager to test this Great Law of Nature just revealed | | | | Hunting licenses and game seasons were unheard of. |
| by my grown-up cousin, I stacked up a dozen | | | | You shot whatever wild animals or birds that jumped |
| lengths of stove wood, stuffed in a tow sack of | | | | up in your gun sights. That day, a razorback hog |
| corn shucks and set fire to the lot. | | | | come within range of Charley's rifle. |
| It made a dandy blaze -- much to my chagrin. | | | | Razorbacks are swine that have wandered away |
| The girls screamed, and the men folk dashed out of | | | | from farms and gone wild. Their descendants are |
| the house to throw a couple of buckets of pump | | | | long legged, muscular and agile. Without the easy |
| water on the fire. My father dusted my britches and | | | | living of captivity, the wild hog has no fat, hence the |
| confined me indoors for the rest of the day, "where | | | | backbone shows prominently and gives the animal it |
| the women can keep an eye on you." | | | | colloquial name. |
| Charley had sauntered off into the woods | | | | Charley squeezed off a shot and dropped the |
| immediately after setting me adrift on the sea of | | | | razorback in its tracks. However, the bullet had only |
| misadventure, though he undoubtedly watched the | | | | creased the skull of the wild hog and temporally |
| excitement from the safety of some convenient | | | | stunned it. |
| tree top. Later that day he gave me a jack knife | | | | What to do with an agitated razorback? |
| with a one-inch stub of blade as a peace offering. | | | | An inspired scheme took shape in Charley's fertile |
| "You musta got some soft wood mixed in there," he | | | | mind. Muzzling the animal and tying its legs, he hoisted |
| said sternly. I promised to be more careful next time. | | | | it to his shoulders and set off for the church. |
| * * * | | | | It was turning dusk, and the final session of the |
| Charley hated going to church because he had to put | | | | revival was well underway, when Cousin Charley |
| on his stiff, Sunday shoes and button his shirt collar. | | | | slipped up to the rear of the little country church. |
| He would submit to the morning service with | | | | The razorback had regained all it faculties and was |
| considerable grumbling. Thereafter, however, he | | | | squirming to free itself from its restraints. Charley |
| considered he had enough grace for another week | | | | was willing to oblige. |
| and evaded the afternoon and evening services with | | | | Charley eased the animal to an open window, |
| a skill born of much practice. | | | | snatched off the ropes and shoved the frantic animal |
| Aunt Minnie must have known, therefore, that she | | | | into the church. |
| was courting disaster when she undertook to wash | | | | Women screamed, children hollered and the men |
| the whole family in the Blood of the Lamb during a | | | | cursed -- thus undoing three days of dedicated |
| three-day revival meeting. | | | | evangelism. The minister ordered the choir to sing |
| An itinerant evangelist had gotten lost in the "boot | | | | "Onward Christian Soldiers" in hope of calming the |
| heel of Missouri" and was trying to work his way | | | | congregation, but this only added to the noise and |
| back into the main stream of civilization by preaching | | | | confusion. |
| the gospel wherever an offering plate would be | | | | The wild pig scurried frantically under the pews, |
| passed on his behalf. | | | | popping up at the least expected places and inspiring |
| In those days, a revival was an endurance contest | | | | renewed screams with each sally. Men wallowed on |
| between the minister and the congregation. The | | | | the floor trying to corner the intruder, bumping shins |
| objective was to whip up enthusiasm for the Lord | | | | and heads with each lunge. |
| that lagged under the vicissitudes of a hard life. | | | | "Hell fire and damnation!" shouted Uncle Virgil angrily -- |
| Moss-back sinners, who seemed to abound in | | | | along with a few other choice epithets from his justly |
| southeast Missouri, needed a powerful lot of | | | | famous vocabulary -- as he sustained a sharp bite |
| persuasion. | | | | from the razorback. |
| Three days of concentration on the project was | | | | It was an hour or so before the meeting could be |
| considered only once-over-lightly. A two-week revival | | | | resumed under some semblance of normalcy. But the |
| with an all night "gospel sing" and baptizing with white | | | | spell was broken. There were no more souls saved |
| robes in the river of the final Sunday was the | | | | that night, although the collection was as good as |
| preferred procedure. | | | | could be expected under the circumstances. |
| Nevertheless, poor people had to make do with | | | | * * * |
| whatever salvation was at hand. | | | | Uncle Virgil finally caught the pig and took it home for |
| A bob-tailed revival meeting would have to suffice | | | | butchering. "I wonder who poked that critter into the |
| for Aunt Minnie's brood -- including Uncle Virgil and | | | | church," he mused to Aunt Minnie. |
| Charley. | | | | It was obvious to Aunt Minnie as to who was |
| Cousin Charley, under extreme duress, suffered | | | | responsible. Everybody's whereabouts that night |
| through Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday | | | | could be accounted for except Charley's. |
| morning - - an all-time record. | | | | "It's blasphemy, Charles, she declared. "You'll burn for |
| Uncle Virgil was "saved" on Sunday morning after | | | | eternity in the fires of Hell if you keep this up! |